Poetry, the Rough Stuff 龙诗人

On twitter you might want to read @Longshiren, where I am posting very short images that seem pretty and poetic. Another experiment.

One of the reasons for creating this blog is to show some of the things we go through to take an idea from basic words to a finished poem.

Usually, the rough drafts, as shown below, are filled with the language as it originally expressed the idea. Sometimes this language really overflows and fills everything up, and covers or drowns the original thought.

Sometimes, we just cannot get past the beautiful words, phrases, images, little songlike patterns, and lovely laughing clauses. When we get so caught up in this the poem gets lost but the language is lovely, and that often makes for poor poetry, but really nice sounding daydreams.

We have found that the best way to pare the lines down to the core is to have the family dragon burn all the fluff away. We can then rebuild from that to make a clearer, if somewhat more astringent creation, dedicating the rebuilt phrases to the spare but now well defined poem.

If you don’t have a family dragon, well, you must find some other metaphor, then.

WELL, WE’RE AT WAR AGAIN

Sand and bombs and ugly little
desert spiders and a rancid smell

death on the street or fear in the locals?

Sitting in the waiting room at the VA hospital
spinning the new wheelchair smells like a new car

no spiders here no locals and maybe no bombs

but we still watch with the good eye
Talking to the new wounded and comparing

wheels like high school kids.

Here is a poem which is posted elsewhere, but never seems to attract attention, so here it is.

A Blues for Molly

Oh, sing this to Molly, she deserved her sadness today,
her grades were a wreck and her Irish dog ran away.

Her scores were so low, she called her mama and cried,
Oh, Molly’s so blue for she’s lost her dog and her pride.

refrain
She dreamed of kisses at midnight and dances before dawn,
her studies forgotten, and now her schoolin’ is gone.
Cry blues to yo’r mama, but baby your schoolin’ is gone.
Cry blues to yo’r mama, but baby your schoolin’ is gone.

Molly studied too little, and played her way after sundown,
She ran too late, as she raved and painted the town.

Slept in on Sundays, and Mondays and Saturdays, too.
A young girl, a fun girl, caught cryin’ in daylight so blue.

refrain
She dreamed of kisses at midnight and dances before dawn,
Her studies forgotten, and now her schoolin’ is gone.
Cry blues to yo’r mama, but baby your schoolin’ is gone.
Cry blues to yo’r mama, but baby your schoolin’ is gone.

Oh sing this to Molly, she done bad in her test to her shame.
She must find some work cause she hasn’t a dime to her name.

Oh Molly’s a beauty, her kisses are hot like a sinner in hell,
But this time she’s for it, she’s ringing her very own bell.

refrain
She dreamed of kisses at midnight and dances before dawn,
Her studies forgotten, and now her schoolin’ is gone.
Cry blues to yo’r mama, but baby your schoolin’ is gone.
Cry blues to yo’r mama, but baby your schoolin’ is gone.