A try at a Blues song, and hope for rewrites from the masses.

A Blues (This will go unto the songwriting and blues pages when it is more satisfactory. Until then, please tell me what you would rewrite.)

Sing me a song about Rachel
I remember her so well

Sing a sweet song of Rachel
Oh Yes, I remember her well

Blonde hair and handsome body
Kisses straight from hell.

Dancin’ nightly to a downbeat
moving hot with flaming eyes

Dancin’ every night on Club Street
Oh so hot, my baby’s eyes

Even now her music takes my feet
Where her breathin’ was all sighs …

Bright eyes and easy smiling
fingers softly taking mine

Her wide eyes and easy smiling
shyly set her hand in mine

Flirting lightly as a feather
aching for her touch of wine

Rachel was as fair as fair
loved and never asked for walls

Oh Rachel always acted fair
She loved and without any walls

Fools thought this a holy joy
‘Til Rachel waved goodbye to all

I was dreamin’ of her last night
And spoke out loud her name

Dreamed of Rachel last night
called out, called out her name

My wife she woke and beat me
Rachel, please, come back and take the blame

Oh, Rachel please, come back and take my name
in this wide world come take my name!

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About dragonpoet

But sometimes what you write is neither polished nor useful. Then it arrives here. With lots of sentence fragments and beginning ideas. If you wish, please comment on what you find. If you don't like the politics, don't comment. Here, we deal with the writing.
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3 Responses to A try at a Blues song, and hope for rewrites from the masses.

  1. clartedubois says:

    Then…
    Not so long ago…
    Blast,
    Yesterday it was!
    Finished with the lunch,
    And all ready to go.
    That dashing couple,
    I had see.
    Bit too flashy,
    Maybe!
    Before us all,
    He stood a-waitin’
    At the door’s curtain…
    When I heard him whistlin’.
    Without thinkin’
    I turned my head
    And looked at her
    In her corner
    Still sittin’.
    She nodded a-laughing,
    Like a Rachel,
    She was.
    As mines are Jews,
    No blondes, for sure!
    Passing near me,
    Still a-laughin’
    She says!
    “Imagine!
    Et le pire
    I knows it’s for me!”
    Then they went,
    Those beautiful people.
    And I was thinkin’
    A wife?
    A Rachel?
    Or a second or a third noce?
    Only thing that I’ll say
    To you: I can’t tell.

    Don’t change a thing!
    O!
    After all, as it’s a man’ song,
    I can’t tell!

  2. tamahome says:

    imagine you playing a guitar and sing the song alone…

  3. Dustin says:

    huh, funny a girl named Rachel was my first crush. she was a blonde, kind of nerdish, very inteligent. when ever I listen to the white album by the beatles it reminds me of her.
    oh, and if you want a athentic sound the blues is not so much about what you say as what you don’t. for example “sing a song of rachel” insted of “sing me a song of rachel” I dont know just a opinion

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