Take a look at these attempts, tell me what would you rewrite, and why, And thanks in advance for the dialogue.
A Lost Love Song
Summers eve upon the plain
a languid silky shadowed sky
lazy dusky sunshine warm
prairie days declining lightly
wistful breezes weaving grasses
shadow clouds of summer storms.
Among a drifting air desire
like birds upon a zephyr floats
fluttering ever endlessly never
grasping soothing wafting
fingers slide like grasses waving,
breathless touches kissing thunder
attractive lightning quickly wraps
tentative circling discoveries meet
in summer heat, togetherness.
WARM SWEET SAFE HARBOR SINGAPORE
In Singapore, where all is bland and safe,
And everyone lives happy everyday
In warm blue skies, in gleaming gum-free streets
Among the many riches brought to light
Malaysian labor shines amid the fines
The Indian tailors, Filipina maids
At least they’re quiet and they never spit.
We are all here and happy all, we love
Soft ocean breezes, gentle beachside swells
The dignity of Raffles never sets
And no one here will kiss you in the road
For we cannot have passion in our place
Where all the wealthy tag-alongs have come
To find the only gated city in the east.