OK, let’s just put up all the unfinished business and make this website do something!

Take a look at these attempts, tell me what would you rewrite, and why, And thanks in advance for the dialogue.

A Lost Love Song

Summers eve upon the plain
a languid silky shadowed sky
lazy dusky sunshine warm
prairie days declining lightly
wistful breezes weaving grasses
shadow clouds of summer storms.

Among a drifting air desire
like birds upon a zephyr floats
fluttering ever endlessly never
grasping soothing wafting
fingers slide like grasses waving,

breathless touches kissing thunder
attractive lightning quickly wraps
tentative circling discoveries meet
in summer heat, togetherness.

WARM SWEET SAFE HARBOR SINGAPORE

In Singapore, where all is bland and safe,
And everyone lives happy everyday
In warm blue skies, in gleaming gum-free streets
Among the many riches brought to light
Malaysian labor shines amid the fines
The Indian tailors, Filipina maids
At least they’re quiet and they never spit.
We are all here and happy all, we love
Soft ocean breezes, gentle beachside swells
The dignity of Raffles never sets
And no one here will kiss you in the road
For we cannot have passion in our place
Where all the wealthy tag-alongs have come
To find the only gated city in the east.

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About dragonpoet

But sometimes what you write is neither polished nor useful. Then it arrives here. With lots of sentence fragments and beginning ideas. If you wish, please comment on what you find. If you don't like the politics, don't comment. Here, we deal with the writing.
This entry was posted in Poetry. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to OK, let’s just put up all the unfinished business and make this website do something!

  1. Well, I heard about Singapore…
    And it is just as you say.
    Not the place, I would want to live.
    Flemish country is reputed for its cleanliness.
    Is it what have attracted me here?
    I mean, beside circumstances?

  2. clartedubois says:

    How can a toddler poet
    Who may always stay at the crawling stage
    Gives comments to someone
    Who writes as you do in that
    Lost love Song…

    We had the Storm yesterday,
    All Wind, all Rain.
    Every inert things who could take a fly,
    Took good advantage…
    From my open handbag,
    My bank’s papers,
    For example.

    Today, by and by
    I saw a yellow colour
    Coming like a dream at the Occident.
    It must have been
    Sun was surfing above
    The otherwise deep grey sky.
    By and by, from paler blue,
    To nearly white,
    The heavens were lost for clouds.

    Now, the God of ancien times
    Has recovered
    His mighty power.
    And nothing can stay hiddden
    Under is strong shining light…

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